Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
What about a To-Don’t List?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
…żyje?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)