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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.