*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
You Might Also Like
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State