if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.