A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
😂💯
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Breaking news:
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.