“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.