I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
new wife guy just dropped
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.