WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.