me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I have two kinds of followers
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Mornin
happy mother’s day❤️
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so