the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I want what they have
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him