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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Swedish for common sense.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas