“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
At least try to make it slightly believable
How all things should be taught/explained.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.