Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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Woke up against my better judgment again
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A completely valid reaction tbh
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.