Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
You Might Also Like
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Home #decor warning.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing