if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My blood type is b hungry.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.