coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*