have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If only
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.