Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
pictures of spider-man
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no