ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
You Might Also Like
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Bros before Ohioes
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!