Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times