Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.