[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision