She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Trumpy Cat
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions