If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The Book. The Movie.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now