No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture