Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings