I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
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Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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Me at 35: oh
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
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Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*