[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.