*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
You Might Also Like
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”