Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume