*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS