PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Mornin
What fresh Hell is this?!?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.