You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s an epidemic…