Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
They’re on their honeymoon
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Haha! 😂
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.