dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.