Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.