Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
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Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.