During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
You Might Also Like
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.