Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.