#dalle2
You Might Also Like
Me: I鈥檓 heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don鈥檛 you just say you鈥檙e going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I don鈥檛 know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
a lot to unpack here
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You think it鈥檚 easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn鈥檛 say what he thinks it says.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.