[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.