Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?