I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.