{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My time has come.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day