Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Breaking news:
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks