Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.