I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.