Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
THIS HEADLINE
Just had my nails done!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.