I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Watermelon Boss!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.