Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments